Advice for Victims: Recognize the Signs and Plan to Leave

The most important thing I can tell a victim is that they are worth it to get away from this person and survive.

Don't Accept Excuses for Abuse

If an abuser has not done anything specific to get professional help, they are not going to change. They will say "I'm sorry," buy a gift, and beg you to come back, but they rarely accept responsibility for their actions.

Look for Genuine Commitment: If they have a problem (abuse, drinking, substance use), they need to handle all of those issues. They need to make a move, not just promise they will go to counseling.
Substance Abuse is Not the Cause: Alcohol or drug abuse does not cause domestic violence; it only enhances it. The abuse is already part of their character, and they are simply exhibiting it while impaired. Do not make excuses for them.

Recognize Warning Signs Early

Most people think jealousy is "cute," but it is a major warning sign that you need to get away from. It's the first step in establishing control. If you get married, that controlling behavior will only get worse. Also, be wary of people who:

Love Bomb You: If they are too sweet and go out of their way to do all the things your previous partners didn't, they are just soaking up information about your vulnerabilities and trying to win you over.
Isolate You: If you're not allowed to see your friends and family members, that's a warning sign. Abuse is about power and control, and they want to keep you away from any outlets that might lead you to leave them.

Cannot Handle Independence: Abusers often can't handle an independent partner, especially if that person makes more money or has more education.

Prioritze Safety Planning

Safety is the most important thing. When an abuser is losing control (when you are taking back your power or planning to leave), they will get more and more dangerous.

Plan Your Escape: You need a plan. People should not go to a place the abuser is familiar with, such as their parents' or best friend's house, as that's the first place they will look. A domestic violence center can help you create a safety plan.
Create a Paper Trail: If you are in a relationship where you are being physically abused, call the police. Having a paper trail and medical records showing sustained injuries can be what saves your life or gets you off if you are forced to fight back in self-defense.

Advice for Supporters: Be Encouraging, Not Critical

When you see a family member or friend going through this, your support can be life-changing, but you have to approach it carefully.

DO NOT Say "I Told You So": Telling a victim they are "stupid for staying with them" is the opposite of helpful. It only adds to the shame and embarrassment that already keeps many victims from seeking help.
Be a Source of Information and Support: Your role is to be encouraging. Call your local domestic violence center or agency to find out how you can help. You can give them good, safe information about their options.
Offer to Go With Them: If you have to go with your relative to the domestic violence center, go. The more support that person gets, the better. They need to know that they are supported and that help is out there.
Be Discreet: Be very careful about what you are doing. Don't talk about leaving or planning in the home, on the phone near him, or anywhere he could become suspicious. A rise in suspicion can increase the lethality of the situation.

Remember, a lot of times, a person stays with an abuser because they know how dangerous it is to leave—it's a survival skill. It is not a lack of intelligence or self-worth. Your nonjudgmental support can be the piece they need to finally make the plan to escape and move from a survivor to a thriver.