Surviving the Unthinkable:
My Journey from
Profound Loss to Purpose
Five years ago, I lost my son to suicide. The day it happened, I felt my life was over. It was the hardest thing a mother could ever experience. I didn’t know how I was going to make it. My whole world was turned upside down.
My son was such a bright light, such an incredibly intelligent and kind-hearted child. He was also an athlete and a great student who was on track to graduate from high school with his associate's degree. He had his whole life ahead of him. I knew he could do and be anything he set his mind to.
The pain of his loss was so intense. I entered a space of darkness, so severe that I isolated myself for nearly a year and a half. Most days, it was hard for me to even get out of bed. I was so depressed and in so much pain.
People sometimes ask me if I saw warning signs. Like so many other parents who share this awful pain, there were no obvious signs. My son was a good kid, well-liked by everyone. I kept asking myself, “How did I miss it?”
So many thoughts went through my head: What should I have done? Could I have been a better mother?
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It’s important to understand that the adolescent brain is still developing, which is why, for some teens, the decision to end their life can be made quickly and impulsively. I had to get clarity on what I did as a mother had nothing to do with what he did to himself.
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Finding My Lifeline
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I was very close to my son and never could have imagined a life without him. For the longest time, I felt I didn't want to have anything to do with church. I isolated myself from my faith, family, and friends, not wanting to burden them with my pain.
People would tell me what I needed to do, and it only made me feel worse. They hadn’t felt my hurt; they weren’t inside my mind.
When family members tried to tell me, “Just pray,” I felt angry. I had prayed and asked God not to take him, but he did. In that moment of pain, I couldn't even see a future.
I was just stuck. And through all this, I still had another child who needed me, who was watching her mother waste away in this pain. I knew I needed help.
I tried counseling, but the therapists kept saying, “Time heals everything,” and “It’s going to get better.” The more they said those clichés, the angrier I got. I even told one counselor, “Don’t ever tell a mother those words. You can’t tell me how losing my child is going to be okay. You can’t tell me how time will heal me. You’ve never experienced it.”
The only thing that helped was when I found a spiritually grounded life coach. She helped me recognize that my feelings were valid. It was okay for me to feel the way I felt. Slowly, I started to pour myself more into God, leaning on the one scripture that became my lifeline: “In my weakness, you will be my strength.”
Then one day, while crying in the shower to conceal my deep hurt from my family, I felt God's presence wash over me. In that moment, He spoke to me and gave me the courage to begin a new chapter of healing. I started getting up and living again, choosing to pour into other people instead of being bitter or resentful. I just stood on the word and the love of God.
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From Pain to Purpose
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God turned my pain into my purpose. He reminded me of my passion to help others through my work as a licensed esthetician.
Starting my own skincare line of organic and environmentally friendly products—Body by Ja—was an incredible amount of work, but it gave me a reason to start living again. Today, the store offers 18 expertly formulated, all-natural products. My next goal is to open a brick-and-mortar spa in Atlanta, extending my passion for serving others in a personal and healing environment.
My success doesn't mean my grief is any less. It means I've deepened my relationship with God and lean on His divine teachings more than ever. The Bible verse Isaiah 41:10 lifts me up when I find it hard to keep going: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.”
I had to learn to live with the pain. I tell people it’s okay not to be okay, but you can’t stay in that place. You have to get back up. The pain doesn't have to be a rock around my neck that keeps me drowning. I had to cut that cord and reach for greater things.
There are still days when I feel I can't keep going and find myself unable to get out of bed. I give myself permission to feel my grief, but then I promise myself to choose joy the next day. I pick something to look forward to, whether that's spending time with my family, playing tennis, or going somewhere I enjoy. I give myself a reason to keep living and not get stuck in my pain. I need to keep living for my family and myself.
I firmly believe that pain is pain, no matter what caused it. When someone is in pain and you haven't experienced what they are going through, all you need to do is comfort them. Check in on them. Make sure they are getting enough to eat. Offer to run an errand for them. Be a lifeline of support rather than give advice.
My life's mission is now to pour healing and hope into others, just as God has done for me. With His grace and love, know you can survive the unthinkable. By taking each day one at a time and allowing yourself to lean into your feelings without getting stuck, it becomes possible to eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel and for the weight you are carrying to become more bearable with time.
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​I want anyone who hears my story to know there is hope. Trust that God has a plan for you. With His strength, you can and will survive the pain of life’s darkest moments.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, please seek immediate help.​​​
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Call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the US and Canada.
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Text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
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Go to the nearest Emergency Room.